I didn’t look up how often it was used in reference to actual pages… but when I first read it, all I could think was, goddamn, this bitch keeps saying ‘Oh.’

I did, however, search how many times it was used in each book on my iPad a while back. (I’ve been keeping a list of how often certain things were used.) I’m not sure if I reported my findings, but if I didn’t, here they are:

“Oh” was used… 484 times in the first book, 558 in the second and 588 times in the third.

That is a total of 1,630. Altogether (on my iPad) there are 2,517 pages total on this series. That is including title, table of contents, publishing information and all of the stupid non-story stuff no one cares about like, Acknowledgments and About the Author.

So we will just round to 2,500 pages, let’s just say. 1,630 times out of 2,500 pages? Hmm… as I’ve said, shitty writing is shitty.

Also, just for shits and giggles: The different variations of “Holy Shit/Hell/Mother Fuck/Cow/Crap/Moses” were used: 384 times.

Seriously, guys. This is a best seller. There is no reason to live anymore.

That gives me an idea though… if you guys have ideas for things that are repeated in this book ridiculous amounts of time (due to James and her shitty “writing” abilities) send a message. I’ll give keep a list and eventually make a post about it. Just a thought.

I love you for that. Stick around… making fun of stupid things is one of my biggest passions.

I’m back, baby! I’m back!

First of all, I would just like to say I am mildly embarrassed by all of the grammatical errors I have found within these blogs.

Second, yes, I do write 90% of these posts drunk.

Third, I am a terrible updater… but please don’t give up on me!

Fourth, I’ve been drinking… let’s do this.

So to recap, since I haven’t read or thought about this shit in ages, Anastasia and Christian have just fucked in the Red Room of Pain and Anastasia fell asleep. (This shit is so goddamn exciting, I wonder how I could have ever stopped reading it?!) Now, in chapter 19, Christian is waking Ana up. I wonder how he could possibly turn something that should be handled semi-delicately (Hello! Have you ever been woken up from sleep?!) into some fucking demented torment of this poor girl.

“I’ve brought you a drink. I’ll be downstairs. Don’t go back to sleep, or you’ll be in trouble,” he threatens, but his tone is mild.

There it is! There is the Christian Grey we know and love. And bitch, don’t give me that shit about his tone being “mild.” He still has a fucking tone. You’re a grown ass woman. Take a kickboxing class and fuck up his shit.

Goddamnit. I hate this shit so much. Why.

Holy cow, I am meeting his folks! He’s just worked me over with a riding crop and tied me up using a cable tie I sold him, for heaven’s sake—and I’m going to meet his parents.

Good heavens, child. Stop sounding ashamed… where the fuck is the goddamn romance when you express regret?! This is supposed to be the sexiiiiiiiest book evar. Deal with it, you fuckbag.

I climb slowly out of bed and note that my dress is hanging outside the wardrobe and my bra is on the chair. Where are my panties? I check beneath the chair. Nothing.

Oh, God. I feel a fucking mystery coming on. You and your amazing literary abilities. James… you really know how to compose a tell-not-show-nail-biter.

Just kidding. You fucking suck at this. Still not buying that this is sexy.

I frown. Why hasn’t he given me back my panties?

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…for my lack of posting habit.

So my dear lovers, since we aim to please and all that shit, I’ll be back soon. Get ready.

[Dr Green and I] shake hands, and I know she’s one of those woman who doesn’t tolerate fools gladly.

You’re probably right. And she is being paid a shit ton of money to tolerate you, so there’s that…

“Yes, Mr. Grey. Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”
Christian is taken aback—as am I.

Is she giving him some kind of not so subtle warning?

You mean like you, just now, giving a not-so-subtle hint that she was dropping a not-so-subtle hint? Probably.

I would hope yes. For the sake of everything sane in the world, I hope she is the one person who picking up on the creepy, possessive vibe Christian throws off (since everyone within this universe seems to know every goddamn thing there is to know, including exactly what is going on when they are blind-folded/aren’t there or can’t actually read minds yet still knows) and is like… “Maybe this whole possession/manipulation of an innocent girl is be something you probably shouldn’t do.”

I’m not saying, but I’m just saying.

“She said that I have to abstain from all sexual activity for the next four weeks.”
Christian’s mouth drops open in shock, and I cannot keep a straight face any longer and grin at him like an idiot.
“Gotcha!”
He narrows his eyes, and I immediately stop laughing. In fact, he looks rather forbidding. Oh shit. My subconscious quails me in the corner as all the blood drains from my face, and I imagine him putting me across his knee again.
“Gotcha!” he says and smirks.

Um… this is some fucked up joking. I think it is moments like these that really tell you something about a relationship. She was genuinely afraid of him in that moment, and it wasn’t just a one time thing. She is terrified to challenge him. No one should feel threatened in a relationship. Even when Christian and Ana get into this whole “more” shit later on in the series, she is still fucking terrified of him and his wrath.

That isn’t love.

I ask again, HOW DO YOU BITCHES FIND THIS SHIT ROMANTIC? Even their joking around is the most depressing shit I’ve ever read.

I’m renaming this book again: Fifty Shades of Battered Woman Syndrome.

Fuck all of you.

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So I’ve been told. I’d never heard of this before reading this book. It happens. Doesn’t make up for the rest of the book though.